I’m Sorry, I’m Trying

I’m Sorry, I’m Trying

I went on for years telling people, telling myself, that I don’t believe in love anymore when it was people that I meant.

I don’t believe in being swept off my feet, I don’t believe in expensive weddings, and I don’t want to have a family of my own.

Today, I finally admitted to myself after a long battle with my personal demons that I do want those things. Yet, despite my bravery in admitting that, I still fall short on trust.

Recently, a close friend who’s abroad and who has been trying to hit on me several times over the years joked bluntly that we should just get married. I laughed it off thinking of the times I’ve been told the same thing years ago, only now it was meant to be a joke (I hope) and that I haven’t been asked, even as a joke, for years.

To be honest, it felt really nice to know that someone, even as a joke, could think of me as an option for a bride. Okay, hold your horses girl power movement! I know I’m not an option, I know that I’m an obvious choice, but I’m gonna be even more honest:

I’m not a catch.

Whaaa–??? Yes. I am not. I know that.

I don’t think so highly of myself as someone who deserves to be served like I’m the only person that matters in the world and/or be given more than the lifestyle I have right now. That would be changing my entire principle in life.

Nope. I’m not that woman.

Going back, I did feel really good to be considered a bride… even just as a joke because if I were him, I would not see me as a girl who just disappears into a fairy tale wedding and lives a boring humdrum life just because it was what’s socially acceptable, convenient and that time is running out. (Body clock breathes through my neck while writing this bit.)

That’s not what I want for myself although there were times that I think about it. You know, just agree to marry the first person who asks and move on. Period. But I only have one life… I don’t want to spend it that way.

The first part of last year was hard for me; dealing with something I never had but hurt me unexpectedly so bad that changed my perspective of what I want in life. I know I have written about it before, but I did take some time to think about it more just in case I wasn’t sure of what I was saying the first time. I was right to take time to think hard on it for it strengthened my views and slowly, I have established a dream for myself other than living in a small cottage alone with my cats, dogs, and chickens while growing a lush vegetable garden.

Looking back to the events that transpired the previous year, I came to the realization that I don’t want to just get married and just have a husband. I want a marriage and a partner I can trust, I can live with, and if he wants kids, sure, why not?

Right now, I still have trust issues. A severe one, I guess. But I’m working really hard on it…

To ever trust anyone again so blindly is something that I would really work on this year. It is difficult right now for me, even more, difficult because I am starting to like someone that actually showed genuine interest in me and it’s making me anxious. I couldn’t help but get ahead of myself and think that no one is ever gonna be worth my trust, and even if he proves to be honest with his intentions of liking me a lot, I could not help but feel that a part of me will always have one eye open on everything.

I know that sounded too self-entitled, I just couldn’t sleep with my eyes closed again but I am trying. So hard, believe me, so despite my uncertainties and reservations, I must try to give myself a chance to experience a love that might be true.

Lately, I keep telling myself that I should be strong even though a part of me never wanted to put my feet back in the waters again after everything that happened over the past four years. I guess I got so tired of trying to fix people or dealing with people mending a broken heart while they tell me they love me that I could not go on like that anymore. What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want to deal with people who have baggage but that would be too selfish and unfair knowing that I myself have a couple of bags hiding in the closet.

This time around, not only will I try to trust again but also accept. Accept people and their past, accept the fact that what’s done is done, and that my past is also something that might worry other people. This time, I would look at the bigger picture not only what lies ahead of me… I’m not trying to change the world; I just want to allow myself to find love again.

 

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