An open letter to my vulnerable friend

An open letter to my vulnerable friend

You were always special to me. From the moment we were acquainted, to the vivid memory of us in the end of that fateful Uber ride.

We were more than friends, we are bro’s. I knew from the very first beer we shared that we will become the sort of friends that could keep each other possibly for a lifetime and I have no doubt about that. In a lifetime, we would come across various people a handful of which, we can say, are our forever people. You are one of those people to me.

I always look forward to the eventful weekends we would share over a couple of beers and good music, and even the random weekdays where we share a conversation till 3AM. To the shared cab rides where you would always fall asleep as soon as we get in, hold each other’s hands in the dark and just know that we have someone to depend on despite whatever we are going through. I will always treasure those moments, as sentimental as it may sound, I love the sort of security I felt when our hands are intertwined that I have failed to foresee what it may lead to.

The night our hand-holding lead to something a little bit more made me question all the times we held hands in a cab ride home. That night, not so long ago, we held hands again on an Uber ride home to your place. That night you did not only hold my hand in yours, but you kissed it, too. A couple of times before you held it again and you fell asleep.

As we neared our destination, I woke you up and we shared looks that we never shared before and it must have been the bucket of beer that we each had that night but it felt okay, it felt right and when the car stopped to drop us off, I pulled my hand back but you pulled me close to a hug and a warm kiss on the neck and slightly up my ear. I could not help but to let out a light whimper and lightly closed my eyes in a sudden bolt of seduction.

When we pulled away, we locked gazes for a few seconds and smiled a bit before we climbed out of the car. As we stood beneath the bus stop shade waiting for my motorcycle ride home, you were a little too touchy and though I lightly reciprocated it, I tried to hold back knowing all too well that you were on beer goggles and could not have possibly be doing the things you did if you were sober. When you whispered in my ear asking for my permission if you can bite my earlobe, I tried to decline but gave in as soon as I felt your warm breath on my neck and your lip kissing it again.

I tried to send you home by making a lousy excuse that my ride is gonna take longer than I expected but you waited with me. I tried to make it appear that what we’re doing was fine even though deep inside I wanted to tell you honestly that we should stop as we might regret it when we’re sober as day but I kept it to myself thinking that when you wake up in the morning you won’t remember a thing, and also because a part of me that night wanted it, too for reasons I cannot really understand myself.

I resisted your advances that night even when I had a strong urge to kiss you and make out with you right there and then, I resisted. I went to bed that night thinking about the could have been… thinking of what will become of us when the sun rises. Of what we will be in the next couple of days…

The following day, I tried to keep my worry to myself and my regret of not kissing you that night but even though I know all too well that kissing you would probably never lead to something good, I regretted not doing it.

The following day, I acted like nothing weird happened between us the night before, to be even more honest I forced myself to believe that whatever piece of memory that happened the night before was alright and nothing for us to worry about. Then we chatted at work and I noticed how unusual you were addressing me and the manner you were talking to me as if you’re trying to cover up the fact that for a moment the night before we almost lost it.

Today, you were a little distant. I couldn’t look you in the eye like I used to. What I once thought would not bother me in days to come haunted me all day, all night…

It is crystal clear that what happened was out of beer goggles. Had you taken our usual brew, it wouldn’t have happened. But what’s done is done and all I could hope now is for things to go back to where they used to be, to how they used to be.

You were vulnerable that night, I could only think about what could happen had I leaned in too close and kissed you but that thought is now gone with the wind for ours is a friendship I treasure to the grave and that is far more important than a brief, almost-didn’t happen, rendezvous.

I guess all I’m trying to say is that, I don’t regret what happened but it bothers me and scares me at the same time as it may mean losing one of the very few people I love in this world, that is you.

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