Leftover Mental Reflex

Leftover Mental Reflex

Perhaps it’s the smell of menthol filling the air that brought me back to where I was years ago, back to a time when we were sat right in front of each other. Your hand on my thigh, as you puff a cigarette from the other; a smile plastered on your face while my eyes locked with yours as if we were the only ones that mattered in the world.

I looked down and breathed in.

How could I have allowed myself to go back in time?

I have worked so hard to get here, to be in this state when I no longer spend nights thinking of you, mulling over the what could have been. I have shaken every thought of you, yet one familiar scent brought everything back, now it’s pouring down on me–yet again.

I breathed in and looked up. It’s okay.

I realized that it’s alright. I’m perfectly alright. I am far better than the person I was when we were together… I have grown and learned so much without you. I’ve gone to the places I told you I wanted to go to, I’ve done the things I always planned to do.

I still think of you. Not as often, and no, it no longer hurt. I just — I just think of you out of the blue, and unlike tonight, without any real triggers.

Missing you is probably just some leftover mental reflex from the long time I spent feeling so bad for myself for allowing myself to lose you completely. For allowing us to succumb into an end, and for allowing you to fall in love and for allowing you to be happy with her.

To find happiness without me.

I have loved you with a great deal of my existence, as much as I have loved myself and back then it was less than what I have now. I loved you with every ounce of love I could have ever given but some things are just not really made to last. So I was crushed, I felt like I was broken in smithereens; losing you was the hardest thing in life I had to deal with at that time. I have been shrouded by a dark cloud for a long time, that even after recovering, I would feel so terrible for allowing myself to even catch a glimpse of your face when I blink.

I have to be kinder to myself a bit more, I suppose.

I guess there are people whom we could never not think of after all, but just like our distant memories, I’ll let this thought go as I have let you go.

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