I swear, people these days are like: “When are you getting a boyfriend?” “When are you getting married?” “Do you plan to end up alone forever?”
Sheesh! I think I’ve gone a little deaf from hearing those words, non-stop over the years and it’s not like I’ve given up on dating completely but I’ve been in several relationships that gave me the bitter realization that I might not just be the type of person a “normal” man would date. I find it weird to have to dig in deeper down memory lane just to give myself a review of how I’ve been as a person during my previous relationships. To make things even weirder, I’ve listed down reasons why I believe I’m underqualified to be a member of the ever-growing dating pool.
1. I’m loud.
Not in bed, I’m not. But if you ask most of the people I know they’d tell you that I speak like I have a megaphone attached to my mouth and that I laugh boisterously. I’m also pretty animated, probably ’cause I teach kids for a living.
Of course, I do not intend to speak as if I’m trying to gain attention. I’m not. Truth be told, it’s something innate and hard to change and even to control at times.
Have I done something about it? Definitely! But I always end up being either inaudible or in a comical whisper.
2. I can be pretty shallow.
I’m not saying I’m too immature or anything I’m just saying that I laugh easily. I am known to be the one who laughs the loudest and the easiest to crack up–even if the joke or situation isn’t too funny to everyone else.
I just have a different way of perceiving “funny” things or situations that most often than not, men misinterpret it as flirting or showing interest in them.
I’m actually doing my best to control my impulse to laugh loudly at little things but to no avail; plus, holding in my laughter always leave me in tears and out of breath.
3. I’m one of the boys.
I am not sure exactly how and why, but I just seem to click with men more than women. Sometimes, I’d have people telling me that I act and think like a man, and to be honest I’m not sure if it’s a bad thing or a good thing.
To be even more honest, I’d like to believe it’s a good thing just because it gives me the freedom to break social and gender barriers and the norm that girls should only be friends with girls because we have cooties–whatever that is. I naturally think and act in such way, that sometimes, and yet again, people deliberately misconstrue it as flirting or as if I’m trying to gain some guy’s attention.
But the truth is, I just basically like to talk to men better because they know no bullshit celeb gossip and can actually talk about a wide range of topics aside from the common washroom talk about whose purse mismatched her shoes.
On the side, they make good game buddies and are protective brother material. Nobody can mess with me, my bro’s got my back but sadly, since they know I’m a dude too, I can’t be taken seriously as more than just another guy friend with the tits of a B-cup woman.
4. I’m disgusting.
Disgusting in the sense that I sit like a boy, burp the alphabet, don’t wash my hair on the weekends and eat on my bed. I also smell my pits in public and boast my burping skill.
To make it worse, I eat like a pig. Not literally though, but I really love to pig out. And most men love seeing a girl eat daintily, but I don’t eat that way, I’m extremely unattractive when I eat, hence I’m off the dating list. Oh, you’d be surprised at how many men I can turn off with those things. To my male friends, it’s cool but to a prospect boyfriend? Just think about it, I fucking burp the fucking alphabet.
5. I curse a lot.
I just can’t fucking help it. It just simply slips off my mouth. But I couldn’t fucking care less about it, that’s how I am. Of course, I’m still a considerate bitch; I keep my freaking gob shut around old people and children who may be offended by my choice of not-so-fancy expressions. Men like to date cutesy type of girls who bat their lashes and blushes to their compliments, not someone who’s always in a battle to top off Tony Montana. ‘Nuff said.
6. I’m a bookworm.
I’m not exactly smart or intelligent, but I’m not a bubble-head either. I’ve got some strong convictions and opinions that some men find extremely annoying. All of which I got from reading a vast range of topics.
People, men mostly, solely believes that reading is boring hence people who read are most likely to be boring people who are socially awkward and know nothing about the reality of life all because we readers are boxed into the eternal thought that we’re trapped into an abyss of fictional fantasies.
Even my mother despises the fact that I read more than I should because it’s keeping me from learning to put on makeup on and from developing at least a socially acceptable fashion sense instead of just plain shirt, jeans, and sneakers.
6. I’m generally weird and have an inappropriate sense of humor.
I may look normal to the majority but even my closest friends find me weird–really weird. I do things normal adults don’t, making me look and seem juvenile.
I’m not immature in general, believe me, but I do have a side which I try to hide from most people in fear that I’ll get rejected due to the sheer weirdness I possess.
I’m goofy and bubbly, I whine and play sick pranks to people I love–mostly in a very slight sadistic kind of way and not even the dirty kind of sadism. Think about Rocky Balboa.
I go to museums and stand next to warning signs and do the opposite. See, most men would like a demure, classy woman who doesn’t even seem know that the words “fart” and “burp” actually exists. No sir. I’m neither demure nor classy, I’m weird and inappropriate.
I know there are more reasons as to why I’m less likely to be asked on a date, but I promised myself that I’ll get some sleep. I’ll be lucky if I find a man who would share the same weirdness and wouldn’t mind the fact that I am as weird as he is. Heck, there’s nothing cuter and sweeter than two people coming together in mutual weirdness to share the same mental dysfunction the universe blessed them with.
This weird list may just be the result of taking in too much caffeine and sugar at work and a product of a bored and tired mind who wants to somehow make itself feel productive outside of the workplace.