Hanging

Hanging

It’s the wee hours of the last day of April. Yet here I am, wide awake and unsure about how I should feel after what occurred just an hour ago… I am about to write how I got home and received a very unexpected message from you.

Getting a message from you these past few weeks is really a surprise, but what’s different about the message you sent earlier is that you initiated a conversation. I just got in the house when my phone blinked, signaling a voice message from WhatsApp and it was from you. I didn’t want to play it at first, afraid of what I was about to hear, but I did anyway and you had me smiling at the very first line–you had me at “Hello, Goodbye” by The Beatles. I honestly didn’t know what to say but I saw you were typing a message and so I let you finish. You asked if I was working and I sort of didn’t get what you want to know at first. So I asked if you mean “right now?” turns out you were asking if I’m working elsewhere and I said yes. I wish I could see your face at that moment… how you used to hate the idea of me working two hours away from home, I could just imagine your forehead wrinkling and your eyes narrowing as you think of something to say. But of course, I didn’t know for sure now… that was before, when you had me…when I had you.

Working away from home is a choice I had to make to escape your ghost.

Had you not left me, well–I might have fought for my right to work anyway, and perhaps you’d understand because my family needed the extra financial support I could give from working in a big company. But you left me, so you didn’t have a say anymore but it was evident enough from our conversation that you were still somehow against me working far from home. You said you’re worried about me doing the long commute to and from work and you kept on telling me to always take care. I appreciate it, but somehow the thought of that “care” coming from a left-over feeling of a past relationship makes my heart melt and break at the same time. It’s ironic to say so, I know. It’s just comforting to know that you still care but it’s also heartbreaking because if you still care about me that much, why cut ties?

You told me of your day’s activity like you would normally do, except for the lack of “I love you” and sweet nothings… you even asked me if I lost weight too it was a bit funny especially when you asked me to send you a recent photo. So I did, and you sent one back too… which really surprised me because I was expecting your hollow eyes yet you sent me a photo that was like what you would normally send me before… You were doing a kissing pose and pointed out that you didn’t mean it… I know you were kidding of course, though you just confused me even more because I don’t know whether to hold on stronger or think that you’re a jerk, and though I’d like to think of the latter, I could not. Because everyone knows and I know that you’re not–you’re just confused and terrified and somehow, I wish I could have done something to make you stay but I chose to let you go in hopes that you’d find comfort and happiness in solitude. People are telling me otherwise though, especially your mother who points out that you’re just making things more complicated for you. She’s right though but of course, I told her that she must understand too…

By the end of the night you told me you had to sleep, and that I should too… but before you completely went to bed you mentioned you miss me. I didn’t want to say those words too, I don’t know why I don’t understand myself either. The sincerity is still there too, or at least that’s what I’d like to believe. To be honest, I’ve never been stuck this way before it’s like I’ve become immobile in the love department. By now I should be dating, not giving any care about you anymore but I still do. A huge part of me is still with you and I’m pretty sure that you’re not giving it back anytime soon either–but for how long will we stay this way? Somehow, I need an answer but at the back of my mind, I know that to wait is always the answer I have been meaning to hear all along. I wish I could have just married you but it’s too late for that now, eh? Though I hope you’d always keep in mind that if you come back and decided to pick up from where we last stopped, I’m in. I’ll always be waiting for you hon… no matter how martyr and stupid it may seem to some. I will. That’s just how much I love you and I will always love you this way…

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