Nowhere Girl

Making all her nowhere plans for nobody...
Artwork by Amy Judd.
Thoughts & Poetry

To the Last Man I Dated

A photo appeared on my news feed this evening as my phone automatically connected to my home internet. I guess I forgot to remove you from my following list. You were standing right next to your ex-girlfriend, but it turns out, you’re back together and you’re getting married.

I chuckled, shook my head, and thought: I was right all along.

When you no longer called back that morning when you promised you will, I had a hunch that somehow, even though we were getting somewhere in the short-lived rendezvous we shared, that you made up with her. That you’re going to start over where you last left off. I brushed that thought aside thinking I knew you quite well, not considering the fact that we’ve only been dating for less than a month and that 70% of that “dating” period was spent apart due to the holidays. But I held on to the thought that you were just busy as you claimed you were.

And when you no longer replied, I figured that perhaps, I am not what you want, that I am not the person the kind of person you can spend your life with cause I told you I didn’t want to have kids, that I have an irrational fear of abandonment, of waking up one morning and finding out that you’re not there. All these time, I made myself believe that it was me and my idiosyncrasies that are too much for you.

I moved on with my life but I was hurt.

Deeply.

I thought you’d at least tell me frankly that you no longer want to see me like we promised we would if we feel like things won’t work out as we expected. I was hoping for a closure, a solid closure written even in text. I prayed for that closure for months, and today, a lot of things reminded me of you all of a sudden which made me feel like the universe is playing some weird prank on me that have been going on for months.

You’ve no idea how I would look out my window every day on my way to work hoping that in some small twist of fate I’d see you driving around the same area; how I would go about those trips to and from work looking out for your plate or your car. And today, I rode an Uber which have the letters of your plate and again, I shook my head and chuckled feeling like I really can’t catch a break.

Then I saw your picture this evening. I tapped on that picture to see an entire album of your Pre-Nup photos; you were smiling the way you would look and smile at me but somehow you looked different. Perhaps it was that twinkle in your eyes that you never had when you looked and smiled at me. Yes, I believe that’s what was missing. We really connected despite our differences but I always felt like something was missing, and perhaps it was that: the look of true love, of true happiness, and that sense of fulfillment.

I am amazed at how things turned out to be. This specific moment made me believe in fate even more, that everything happens for a reason and perhaps, with us, the short-lived rendezvous we shared those cold nights of December was an awakening for you.

I used to tell you that you’d meet two kinds of people that will define your life: the one who would show you and make you realize the things that you don’t want in life, and the one who would show you the exact opposite. The latter doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the person you’ll spend your life with, just the person who’ll push you a bit further to the right one if it’s not already. The person you’ll meet before you realize or you meet the one you’re going to be with for the rest of your life.

I’d like to think I was both. I’d like to think that I’d shown you all the things that you don’t want to live with which eventually made you realize exactly what you wanted out of this life and with that I am content. I’ve found my peace, and the closure I’ve been praying for a long time.

When I saw your pictures for the first time, I wasn’t even surprised. I wasn’t even mad. I didn’t even ask myself, ‘why?’ I just chuckled and shook my head. I guess I’ve always known that you’ll end up with her eventually no matter how I began dreaming of the things that we could be and could have been but in spite of the fact that you somehow hurt me for not telling the truth (or for not telling me anything at all), I want you to know that I am thankful to have met a man like you.

To me, you are the person who made me realize all the things I want out of this life, how I realized that I do want to get married, to have a child, and to live a life with a constant companion. It’s just wasn’t you; It was just not meant to be for us to share and I am at peace with that.

This is my final letter for you. 

Congratulations. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am really happy that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the woman you truly love.

Thank you.

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